Thumbs up or thumbs down? Simple, spoiler free reviews.

Things get worse for a down-on-his-luck Capt. Jack Sparrow when his old nemesis, the evil Capt. Salazar, escapes from the Devil’s Triangle. Jack’s only hope of survival lies in seeking out the legendary Trident of Poseidon…

Apparently I’m a glutton for punishment because I keep going to see these massive pieces of trash. Some how they just keep getting worse…and to be honest that’s saying something because they’ve been utter rubbish for 4 films now. Which is a massive, massive shame because when it first came out the original Pirates of the Caribbean was probably my favourite movie as a kid.

I still can’t get my head around the fact that producers, script writers and directors have completely missed the point on what made the first film so brilliant. They’ve taken the ‘curse of the black pearl’ and decided that the reason fans liked a pirate film was the magic element. It couldn’t possibly be the fact that a fun, swash-buckling romp is just…well fun? Instead, every film since they’ve doubled down on the whole magic nonsense and quite frankly its just a little bit pants.

Not only that, the franchise quickly went from exciting action set pieces to completely over-the-top, bizarre and down right implausible moments. Now I know that you’re meant to have some level of suspension of disbelief (and in a film about magic you probably should) but it’s just dumb.

And I have to mention that the franchise has completely ruined Jack Sparrow. He has become an absolute parody of a once great character. It’s as if the directors went “You know what Johnny, people loved all your weird little mannerisms, do them but 300% more. Make it look like you’re completely phoning it in!” and he did. You see the thing is, Jack Sparrow is now a terrible lead character, he’s a sidekick at most. There I said it and that’s why the movies have been getting worse in my opinion, especially the last 2. Which have gone all in on him, not stopping to think that by shining the light too brightly on him audiences will quickly realise that it’s just Johnny Depp being weird again.

So not only do we have completely unbelievable set pieces, too much focus on magic mumbo jumbo and a parody of himself in Jack Sparrow. You also have a bum script. I’d say 90% of the jokes in the film fell flat here. The majority of them being completely forced sexual and drugs references, that is when the plot doesn’t halt completely for random conversations with throw away characters.

Fans of the original will be pleased to know that both Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley are back for cameos in this new outing. They might also be pleased to know that Brenton Thwaites as Henry Turner and Kaya Scodelario as Carina Smyth basically just play copy and paste versions of their characters. I.e. noble but naive young man and feisty modern woman ahead of her time.

Honestly this new Pirates of the Caribbean is not worth your time, but for some reason if you’re like me and just can’t help yourself at least prepare to be disappointed. Things haven’t improved.

Verdict: Thumbs down