Thumbs up or thumbs down? Simple, spoiler free reviews.

European mercenary and worlds greatest archer (Matt Damon) is in search of black powder when he discovers the mysteries behind the building of The Great Wall of China. What were they trying to keep out?! Monsters obviously, you big dummy. It’s always monsters.

I went into this movie having warned my Dad that this film had more chance of being rubbish than it had of being good. I was right to warn him. Not that is was truly terrible, it was just…bad. That seems too harsh, it wasn’t good. Put it that way.

Let me summarise The Great Wall for you; wave after wave of CGI monsters, with the oh so convenient ‘kill the leader and they all die’ plot device. Undeveloped characters all around, you don’t care about the monsters they’re fighting or the 2 dimensional heroes themselves. There are multiple ‘sacrificial last stands’ that make you feel less than nothing. A film created for pure spectacle that lacks in real spectacle and only succeeds in  eye rolling inducing nonsense.

The Great Wall is also full of bizarre steam punk contraptions such as hot air balloons and GIANT FUCKING SCISSORS THAT POP OUT OF THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA TO CUT THE MONSTERS IN HALF. I’m not even joking.

I did like Matt Damon though, but that’s because I already liked Matt Damon and not because this movie did anything to deserve it. His accent is laughable at times too it has to be said.

What I will say about this film is that it does look great. The costumes are fantastic and everything is so colourful. The music, written by Ramin Djawadi, is also fantastic. It’s the best thing about the entire flick. However, underneath the shiny surface of colour and great music. There is no substance. It’s a waste.

Before the films release there was a lot of talk about ‘Hollywood whitewashing’ and using the ‘white saviour narrative’. Personally I think the whole thing is ridiculous, it’s a non issue. Damon plays an Englishman and, I’m not sure if you’re aware, this story didn’t actually happen. So who cares who the hero is?! It’s literally only about money anyway. Stop complaining about everything. The real problem here is that the film isn’t any good. Complain about that instead.

Verdict: Thumbs Down